OK, so there's this new movie coming out, called "Beastly." The premise is that some pretty boy is too conceited for his own good, so he gets cursed with ugliness until he can find someone to love him for his personality. The catch is that if he doesn't do it within a year he stays ugly forever.
Sound familiar? It fucking should; it's the same goddamn story as "Beauty And The Beast," which was this awesome animated Disney movie with some pretty sweet songs and a talking French candelabra. Except that there are two things wrong with it. First, this movie has no sweet songs, indeed, it will probably have no real musical moments like the kick-ass "Be My Guest" number because as far as I can tell, it is not a musical. Second, there is no talking furniture, the part of the movie that I liked most when I first saw it as a younger kid. Seriously, no songs and no talking furniture in a Beauty and the Beast movie? How could this get any worse?
Oh. That's how. The "beast" is ugly just because he's bald and has some tattoos. Some really, really sweet tattoos. Like, seriously, if I could, I would totally get the ink this guy's rocking.
Well, doesn't that just suck for him?
Luckily, the trailer leaves us with no sense of suspense at all as to whether he finds someone. Vanessa Hudgens is there to save the day and look hot, and she's all out of...well, no, she isn't out of hot, but she saves the day anyway. I would have given a spoiler alert on that one, but since watching the trailer pretty much tells you all of that anyway, I refused. Sorry.
Why was this movie made? What purpose does it serve? What questions does it seek to ask? What is the artistic message being conveyed? And how do I meet a creepy witch lady who makes me look freaking awesome? I mean seriously, does this movie even have a goddamn point or does it exist for the sole purpose of making adolescent girls become sexually excited, and cashing in a little late on the popularity of crap like Twilight?
I'm willing to bet it's that last one.
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