Monday, March 14, 2011

Holy Ignorance, Batman!

It has come to my attention that one of my childhood heroes is somewhat less than wildly popular.  I am referring, of course, to Robin.  Batman's sidekick.  People seem to think that he's fairly worthless, lame, pointless, and also a homosexual.  And, of course, these people know next-to-nothing about the character.  Well, guess what?  It's time to bring out the education sticks, and beat people until they bleed knowledge.  All one of you who will read this.

First of all, Robin isn't really someone you can talk about in terms of one character.  Four different characters have worn the Robin costume alongside a Batman, and as such each one needs to be addressed separately.

Robin number one was Dick Grayson.  The one everyone probably thinks about when they think of Robin.  This was the child acrobat whose parents were killed by a gangster, and who was adopted as a ward by Bruce Wayne.  This Robin was essentially created as an avatar for young boys so that they could pretend to go with Batman on his adventures.  Eventually, he became a foil for Batman's grim seriousness, and developed as a character in his own right.  He was trained by Bruce Wayne from basically the age of 12 in science, detective skills, martial arts, and gadgetry.  Of course, he'd been training in acrobatics pretty much since birth, so that saved time.  He later left to become Nightwing, because he grew up, and had the balls to stand up to BATMAN and make his own way in the world.  When Bruce Wayne was presumed dead after a confrontation with Darkseid, he took up the mantle of Batman, and even after Bruce returned, was recognized as pretty much equal to the original Batman.  He's a badass because not only did he have the set of cast-iron testicles to tell Batman off, he eventually became Batman.

Robin number two was Jason Todd.  This one was...a little special.  Batman caught him trying to steal the rims off the FREAKING BATMOBILE and, impressed with his courage, took Todd under his wing.  (heh.)  Jason Todd took the whole crime-fighting deal as a big game, which ultimately led to the Joker bashing his head in with a crowbar.  Violently.  He was resurrected in a Lazarus Pit (quasi-magical, semi-naturally-occurring pits underground filled with a liquid which has the power to revive the dead) and went insane.  He's currently a masked vigilante who goes by the name of Red Hood, and he uses guns, forsaking Batman's One Rule (never to kill).  His character is frequently used as a foil for Dick Grayson's Batman, as kind of an anti-Batman.  Not in the sense of a criminal Batman, more like a Batman who went over the line.  Not quite as skilled as the first, but extremely close.  The only canon Robin who had hair with a color other than black, he was a redhead.  He's a badass because, as mentioned above, he tried to steal the rims off of Batman's car.  Who has the balls to do that?  Also notable: His death was the result of a DC phone-in poll.  He could have lived, if he had been more popular.

Robin number three was Tim Drake.  This one was an orphan who became Robin after he deduced, on his own, the identity of Batman.  Tim Drake took to being Robin like a duck takes to water, and Batman originally intended for him to take over if Wayne ever retired.  This is the Robin who was in the TV adaptation of the Teen Titans, which makes him out to be basically unstoppable.  Tim Drake was legally adopted as Bruce Wayne's son, so when Bruce was presumed dead, he took over running Wayne Enterprises.  He was the first to suspect that Bruce Wayne wasn't really dead, and dropped his Robin persona to investigate.  He currently goes by the name Red Robin, which is kinda lame if you think about it, since Nightwing was available, but he never wanted to quit being Robin in the first place, so it makes sense.  He's a badass because he figured out ON HIS OWN that Batman was Bruce Wayne, he was able to hold his own against Jason Todd after Bruce disappeared, and he fought in better sync with Batman than any Robin previous.  Besides, he's probably better at staff fighting than Donatello of the Ninja Turtles.

The fourth and current Robin is Damian Wayne, the illegitimate child of Bruce Wayne and Talia Al Ghul (who runs an international organization of ninjas.  No lie.  She's the daughter of Liam Neeson's character in Batman Begins).  Damian became Robin after his father disappeared, leaving his entire upbringing and birthright to do so.  This lead to being disowned by his mother.  He was taught basically how to be a ninja from birth, so there's that.  Unfortunately, he was also instilled in his upbringing with a snobbish, superior attitude which leads to constant friction between him and pretty much EVERY OTHER SUPERHERO.   Although, he is getting better with Dick Grayson's Batman.  Speaking of, he also functions as a foil to Grayson as Batman as the serious partner, to Batman's general wisecracking, reversing the traditional roles. He's also probably the weakest among the Robins as a detective.  He's the only Robin who wasn't the leader of the Teen Titans as soon as he joined.  He's a badass because he can legitimately fight Batman blindfolded, as previously mentioned he's a fraking NINJA, and rather than having his life improved by becoming Robin, he actually gave something up for it.

SO, now that you have knowledge of who each Robin is, and why they are each awesome, if I catch you talking shit again, you no longer have the excuse of ignorance.  Since each Robin is nearly as awesome as Batman, if you think Batman is awesome, you must necessarily think that Robin is awesome.  If you don't, you are just an idiot.

If you don't think Batman is awesome, then you have no conception of what awesome is.  There is probably no help for you.  You can go ahead and continue your life fail now.  Although I'm not sure why you read this far.  Freak...

No comments:

Post a Comment