OK, so there's this new movie coming out, called "Beastly." The premise is that some pretty boy is too conceited for his own good, so he gets cursed with ugliness until he can find someone to love him for his personality. The catch is that if he doesn't do it within a year he stays ugly forever.
Sound familiar? It fucking should; it's the same goddamn story as "Beauty And The Beast," which was this awesome animated Disney movie with some pretty sweet songs and a talking French candelabra. Except that there are two things wrong with it. First, this movie has no sweet songs, indeed, it will probably have no real musical moments like the kick-ass "Be My Guest" number because as far as I can tell, it is not a musical. Second, there is no talking furniture, the part of the movie that I liked most when I first saw it as a younger kid. Seriously, no songs and no talking furniture in a Beauty and the Beast movie? How could this get any worse?
Oh. That's how. The "beast" is ugly just because he's bald and has some tattoos. Some really, really sweet tattoos. Like, seriously, if I could, I would totally get the ink this guy's rocking.
Well, doesn't that just suck for him?
Luckily, the trailer leaves us with no sense of suspense at all as to whether he finds someone. Vanessa Hudgens is there to save the day and look hot, and she's all out of...well, no, she isn't out of hot, but she saves the day anyway. I would have given a spoiler alert on that one, but since watching the trailer pretty much tells you all of that anyway, I refused. Sorry.
Why was this movie made? What purpose does it serve? What questions does it seek to ask? What is the artistic message being conveyed? And how do I meet a creepy witch lady who makes me look freaking awesome? I mean seriously, does this movie even have a goddamn point or does it exist for the sole purpose of making adolescent girls become sexually excited, and cashing in a little late on the popularity of crap like Twilight?
I'm willing to bet it's that last one.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Huckleberry Finn is Racist. And So Are You.
Let's face it. No matter how prevalent the evidence is that Mark Twain was violently pro-civil rights, and no matter that Earnest Hemingway himself called the book "the great American novel" which will never be able to be beaten, the thing has the word "nigger" in it. Therefore, it must be racist.
Wait, what's that? You say that the word is used in a satiric way in the book, in order to highlight the stupidity of racial profiling and stereotyping? Well, I guess you must be racist, too. Anyone who says that the use of the word "nigger" by any but the black community (as long as it doesn't have quotation marks) is okay must be racist. But you know who isn't racist? Me. Because I'm taking a stand against the evils of racism and Huckleberry Finn.
I'm joining with these wonderful people to help create a world without racism. By contributing my finances to their cause, I'm helping them publish a new edition of Huckleberry Finn, but with all instances of the word "nigger" replaced with the word "robot." For only $25 you too can get a physical copy of this edition. Of course, you could just donate $1 and get a downloadable PDF of it, but that would mean that you are a racist. You would just be a closet racist, for choosing not to get an edition you can proudly display as a symbol of your non-racism.
In short, Mark Twain was racist, and so are you and your whole family. Unless you donate to the link above. Then you aren't. Unless you don't donate enough. Then you are again, but you at least keep it quiet.
Wait, what's that? You say that the word is used in a satiric way in the book, in order to highlight the stupidity of racial profiling and stereotyping? Well, I guess you must be racist, too. Anyone who says that the use of the word "nigger" by any but the black community (as long as it doesn't have quotation marks) is okay must be racist. But you know who isn't racist? Me. Because I'm taking a stand against the evils of racism and Huckleberry Finn.
I'm joining with these wonderful people to help create a world without racism. By contributing my finances to their cause, I'm helping them publish a new edition of Huckleberry Finn, but with all instances of the word "nigger" replaced with the word "robot." For only $25 you too can get a physical copy of this edition. Of course, you could just donate $1 and get a downloadable PDF of it, but that would mean that you are a racist. You would just be a closet racist, for choosing not to get an edition you can proudly display as a symbol of your non-racism.
In short, Mark Twain was racist, and so are you and your whole family. Unless you donate to the link above. Then you aren't. Unless you don't donate enough. Then you are again, but you at least keep it quiet.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
There Can Be Only Sparkly Vampires
Well, now, Hollywood. It looks like you have managed to piss me off more than Intel. Congratu-fuckin-lations.
For those of you who don't already know, there was a movie made a while ago called Highlander. This movie was AWESOME. It was about a race of people who could only be killed by decapitation competing in a to-the-death tournament of sword duels until only one of them was left alive. There was some more background info, but that was the basic premise. How could you go wrong with that movie? Answer: make unnecessary sequels. So that's what Hollywood did. And those sequels sucked.
And now, guess what? Hollywood has decided that what Highlander really needed was a remake. Fine, whatever. I guess that if they just tell the story from the first movie it won't be too bad. Wait, what was that, voices in my head? This movie will be written by Melissa Rosenburg? So? Who the hell is that?
What's that? She wrote the Twilight movies?
...Goddamn. This is going to suck. This is going to suck hard. I can see it now: Connor MacLeod is going to be a manipulative bastard, the Kurgan is going to be a tween-age pretty boy, and quickenings are going to showers of sparkly lights rather than lightning-fueled explosion fests.
In other words, Hollywood will decapitate Highlander.
For those of you who don't already know, there was a movie made a while ago called Highlander. This movie was AWESOME. It was about a race of people who could only be killed by decapitation competing in a to-the-death tournament of sword duels until only one of them was left alive. There was some more background info, but that was the basic premise. How could you go wrong with that movie? Answer: make unnecessary sequels. So that's what Hollywood did. And those sequels sucked.
And now, guess what? Hollywood has decided that what Highlander really needed was a remake. Fine, whatever. I guess that if they just tell the story from the first movie it won't be too bad. Wait, what was that, voices in my head? This movie will be written by Melissa Rosenburg? So? Who the hell is that?
What's that? She wrote the Twilight movies?
...Goddamn. This is going to suck. This is going to suck hard. I can see it now: Connor MacLeod is going to be a manipulative bastard, the Kurgan is going to be a tween-age pretty boy, and quickenings are going to showers of sparkly lights rather than lightning-fueled explosion fests.
In other words, Hollywood will decapitate Highlander.
Monday, February 7, 2011
It's So Bad
So, who has heard of the four-piece instrumental power metal group Powerglove? This kid has! They do all sorts of awesome video game cover songs, but in power metal that sounds freaking badass!
Or, at least, they used to. Their latest album, "Saturday Morning Apocalypse," contains NO VIDEOGAME COVERS WHATSOEVER. Not even one. It has power metal covers of cartoon theme songs...oh, and the theme from Tim Burton's Batman. Not sure why that's there, since that isn't a cartoon, and there have been several iterations of Batman cartoons to choose from, but whatever.
The closest they get to doing a VG cover is two separate versions of the Pokemon theme song. One without vocals, and one with. Oh, sure, they have Ron Wasserman's amazing X-Men theme, The Simpson's theme, Transformers, Inspector Gadget, "This Is Halloween" from The Nightmare Before Christmas, and "Heffalumps and Woozles" from Winnie the fucking Pooh, and all of the songs are freaking brutal, but that's besides the point.
The point is that they are a band that was supposed to be dedicated to video game covers. They're named after a peripheral for the NES, for gods' sakes. And now they're just making Winnie the Pooh somehow sound cool? This will not stand.
(PS, you get 11 songs for $9.99 from iTunes, and none of them suck. It's a really awesome album with epic cover art. Too bad you won't get it because
a) you won't read this blog
b) you don't have any money, or
c) you are an idiot
or some combination thereof.)
Or, at least, they used to. Their latest album, "Saturday Morning Apocalypse," contains NO VIDEOGAME COVERS WHATSOEVER. Not even one. It has power metal covers of cartoon theme songs...oh, and the theme from Tim Burton's Batman. Not sure why that's there, since that isn't a cartoon, and there have been several iterations of Batman cartoons to choose from, but whatever.
The closest they get to doing a VG cover is two separate versions of the Pokemon theme song. One without vocals, and one with. Oh, sure, they have Ron Wasserman's amazing X-Men theme, The Simpson's theme, Transformers, Inspector Gadget, "This Is Halloween" from The Nightmare Before Christmas, and "Heffalumps and Woozles" from Winnie the fucking Pooh, and all of the songs are freaking brutal, but that's besides the point.
The point is that they are a band that was supposed to be dedicated to video game covers. They're named after a peripheral for the NES, for gods' sakes. And now they're just making Winnie the Pooh somehow sound cool? This will not stand.
(PS, you get 11 songs for $9.99 from iTunes, and none of them suck. It's a really awesome album with epic cover art. Too bad you won't get it because
a) you won't read this blog
b) you don't have any money, or
c) you are an idiot
or some combination thereof.)
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Dammit, Steelers! Quit Already!!
As you all know, the Green Bay Packers will be competing in the Super Bowl this upcoming Sunday. This is excellent news for many nerds, for one simple reason: if they win, we get free MST3K quoting reign for an entire year. "Packers won the Super Bowl! Whoo!"
Unfortunately, it turns out that the Steelers are also in the Super Bowl, meaning that the odds of this happening are somewhere between slim and none.
Do the Steelers even care about the number of nerd fans nationwide that they will insult and alienate if they win? Or do they see us as just another demographic, to be lost and picked up like so many iffy leftovers in the back of the fridge?
Actually, odds are they don't even realize they exist. But no fear! All zero of my readers, follow me to glory! Find a way to get in touch with these fools, and flood them with e-mails telling them to forfeit the game in the name of cheap references to shows that went off the air long, long ago which they probably have never even heard of!
Of course, since nobody reads this blog, that won't ever happen. Well, you know what? Fine! I'll do it on my own, and it will be glorious! ...When I'm crying myself to sleep because the Packers lost and now I can't go around quoting.
Did I say "glorious?" I meant "pathetic."
Dammit.
Unfortunately, it turns out that the Steelers are also in the Super Bowl, meaning that the odds of this happening are somewhere between slim and none.
Do the Steelers even care about the number of nerd fans nationwide that they will insult and alienate if they win? Or do they see us as just another demographic, to be lost and picked up like so many iffy leftovers in the back of the fridge?
Actually, odds are they don't even realize they exist. But no fear! All zero of my readers, follow me to glory! Find a way to get in touch with these fools, and flood them with e-mails telling them to forfeit the game in the name of cheap references to shows that went off the air long, long ago which they probably have never even heard of!
Of course, since nobody reads this blog, that won't ever happen. Well, you know what? Fine! I'll do it on my own, and it will be glorious! ...When I'm crying myself to sleep because the Packers lost and now I can't go around quoting.
Did I say "glorious?" I meant "pathetic."
Dammit.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Really, intel? Really?
So...turns out Intel has decided to hire a new "director of creative innovation." That very job title could easily be described as bullshit, but Intel has hired the most logical person for the job. Black Eyed Peas frontman Will I Am.
http://newsroom.intel.com/community/intel_newsroom/blog/2011/01/25/intel-teams-with-william-black-eyed-peas-front-man
Yes, the man responsible for the audio atrocities known as "Boom Boom Pow" and "Imma Be" is now an executive at a major computer processing manufacture company. They try to wave it away to people who know shit about computers with the concept that since "'Nearly everything'" he does "'involves processors and computers'" (the most blatant admission of overusing auto-tune I've ever heard from a pop star) he's a perfect fit.
That's great, Will. Now, explain how that translates into KNOWING HOW A PROCESSOR IS DEVELOPED. Why does the fact that you use computers for daily life, which at least 90% of Americans also do by the way, mean you know anything about how they are made? Why is it that there are literally hundreds of Americans with computer science degrees who just so happen to not have jobs, but this jackass is the hire for this job?
Why, Intel, why?
http://newsroom.intel.com/community/intel_newsroom/blog/2011/01/25/intel-teams-with-william-black-eyed-peas-front-man
Yes, the man responsible for the audio atrocities known as "Boom Boom Pow" and "Imma Be" is now an executive at a major computer processing manufacture company. They try to wave it away to people who know shit about computers with the concept that since "'Nearly everything'" he does "'involves processors and computers'" (the most blatant admission of overusing auto-tune I've ever heard from a pop star) he's a perfect fit.
That's great, Will. Now, explain how that translates into KNOWING HOW A PROCESSOR IS DEVELOPED. Why does the fact that you use computers for daily life, which at least 90% of Americans also do by the way, mean you know anything about how they are made? Why is it that there are literally hundreds of Americans with computer science degrees who just so happen to not have jobs, but this jackass is the hire for this job?
Why, Intel, why?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)